Ah did get an invite tae they Broonss Christmas Crackers play alang wi PC Murdoch, an it did sound crackers, but it wiz jist ma luck that Ah kicked the bucket that Monday. Ma ain. Aye, kicked it that bloomin hard that Ah hud tae go tae A&E. Ma toes in a stooky noo. Ah did bump intae Rose up at the hoaspital, an she sayed she wiz gaun tae the theatre there insteed o at the Masonic. Ahm no jist shair whit the attraction is fur a theatre at a hoaspital, but it seems Alison goat it an aw. No at the same theatre, mind.

Oanywey, Ahve speired a bit, an goat the gist o whit happint that mornin’. Jack had wrote BCC as a radio-play, tae save oany word-learnin or fancy stagin they hudnae time fur. Right fae the start, Betty wiz brill – and up front at ivry scene, wi a wee prologue verse. Jack did the comperen. Compairin it wi? Naebody sayed. Maybe Hamlet? But, it wiz funnier. Ah’m shair thur wis some ham-actin, right enough.

Helen wiz the very dab as Maw Broon (bun an aw), and Bill doublt up as Paw and Grandpaw (he hud the audience doublt up tae!), great bitta castin wi them. Ina, as Daphne, fair enjoyt hur chance tae grab the only eligible chap there (Tony, who wiz Mr Flowers, A Council Official, nae less). She did pit oan the pen-loaf accent a bit, but he wisnae pit aff, nut wan bit. Ahm no shair if ye get pan breid nooadays? Mind, he wiz quite posh. Poor Maggie, that wiz Evie, must huv felt miffed. She didnae click at aw – even though she goat oan well wi the magic Jeanie, played bi Val lookin trig in her wee tartan dress. Jeanie wiz a refugee taken in bi Grandpaw, but she wis mair o a genie – pure genius that, Ah thoat. She broat aw soarts a chinges tae them aw, noo livin in Moorburn Road fae 10 Glebe Street. It wiz magic.

Ah huvnae mentiont Hen and Joe yet. That wiz Steve and Tony (pure dead brilliant they wur, no kiddin); an George and Steve played a blinder as The Twins wi thur wee paper hats. Naw, Ah really mean thur Wee Paper hats. Helen made thum – Largs scandal includit. But Horace – that hud tae be George again – the intellectual, or mair like ‘intae-lecher-all’, wan in the faimly: he wiz perfect. But the real wee cracker wiz The Bairn, that wiz Faith, wi hur lisp an tiny tartan skirt. Aw-w-w. Turns oot hur names really Alice. Canny quite believe that – no’ wi hur lisp!

Oanywey, it wiz a grand show, an it seems they even hud a pairty at the end. Singin fae Judith, and fae Joanie; and Bill sang and rapped an Ian concoction. Keith gied us a South African tale aboot Samson, no’ quite the wan in the Bible, but jist as colourful. Thur wis a smashin epic Broons poyum fae Kate which let a few cats oot the bag aboot Glebe St shenanigans, Ross played some rollickin moothie-tunes tae waarm the coackles and get the feet stampin; and everybuddy sang wi gusto the carols that Evie rattlet oot oan the joanna. It wiz rerr.

They hud loats o Christmassy eats and drinks at the interval, but that didnae spile thur appetites later at Brisbane House Hotel. Helen made shair they aw hud a really guid time there, no missin a trick wi the organisin.

Jack did a wheen o work, but it wiz worth it. An aw they ac-tors, tae, as wells the dish-waashers an tidier-uppers. Ahve goat tae say that Ahm sorry tae huv missed it. Too bad Ah didnae miss that bloomin bucket!

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